When the Physical Struggle turns into a Mental Struggle
About two weeks ago I experienced an incident that left my big toe hurt. If you have ever hurt your toe, big or pinky toe, you understand the new respect for TOES! I didn't break it, thank god, but it was pretty hurt.
Prior to the "toe incident" I was struggling with my own fitness, I was struggling to get my endurance speed back up to my prior half marathon times. I was struggling with the self comparison of 2013, where I could run a half marathon in "X" amount of time and now I can hardly hold that pace for 10k! It was draining on me, yet I kept going with my training and kept talking to myself saying "Kelsey you're starting all over, remove the ego" It was hard on so many levels yet I did manage to do it and did it within my goal!
During this time I did struggle emotionally and spiritually. I felt like less of a personal trainer because literally it was one of my clients that had to push me along the way during the half marathon to keep going. I felt less of a entrepreneur because I wasn't as "fit" in MY own eyes as a "fit"ness trainer "should be", thoughts like "Why would women commit to me, if I am not as "fit" went through my head numerous times throughout the day. I felt less authentic to me, as fitness is large part of ME!
Don't get me wrong, when I was running I was happy!
When I was teaching classes and personal training I was PASSIONATE and HAPPY!
Yet as soon as I stepped away from those environments and I was in silence, the Debbie Downer voices came back.
While my toe was injured I was kept the regular schedule. I was teaching classes, personal training clients, coaching clients and do talks at various Running Rooms about Quinn's Legacy Society Run coming up. Oh and I was a mother who was volunteering at school and doing crafts at home. On top of the regular schedule, I also hosted a large fitness event with a local yoga instructor (Gill with Asha Yoga). I kept up the regular schedule because that's what I do and no sore toe was going to stop me!
What the big toe did do was; It stopped ME from being ME!
The big toe prevented me from being physical and in turn created an emotional build up. I wasn't able to run or do any sort of exercises that I wanted to do. Then without that physical release the emotional release was starting to add up even higher than before and get buried deep down.
Imagine it like a layered cake, the bottom was me already not feeling "fit enough" to be an authentic trainer and coach, then the second layer being my half marathon "should be times", third layer self comparison and the frosting was the TOE!
It wasn't until this Monday that I just sat back and evaluated life.
- Why do I run? I run for enjoyment and I can!
- Why do I teach fitness classes? For my enjoyment and I can!
- Why do I empower women and runners? For my enjoyment and I can!
- Why do I volunteer at school with my son? For my enjoyment and I can!
- Why do I do crafts throughout the day with my daughter? For my enjoyment and I can!
Then where was the negative self talk coming from?
It was coming from ME- my head- my self comparison- my self doubt- my mind battling the
Ultimate Battle of: Expectations VS Reality.
I preach and preach about being proud of where you are at, enjoying the journey and listening to your body, yet here I was not doing any of that. I simply wasn't walking the walk or talking the talk.
This Monday I took the time to evaluate life, fitness and all my negative "should be" expectations and realized it was all in my head.
On Monday I did a short jog and was excited, my toe wasn't too bad! Tuesday and Wednesday I did a bit more and today I went for a RUN! I honestly feel like a new person!! I am full of energy and feeling ALIVE again. I know I am no where near racing but I am RUNNING and moving! I am proud of that.
Physical struggles are more than the muscles not performing or hurting. The physical side can transcend into the mentally, emotionally and spiritually side.
I believe we must recognize all parts of our body for our body to run smoothly and successfully. Taking the time to listen to your whole body and do a full body scan is something I love to do personally and with clients. Scan your mind, what is it saying, scan your heart what is it saying, scan your muscles what do they say..etc. Give your body permission to talk and give yourself permission to listen with love, and it will share numerous things with you. As I get back on track I willbe putting this back into play in my every day morning routine. We can learn about from body just by taking the time to positively listen to it.
What I have learned is that self talk is an ASSHOLE!
And I am proud of where I am at.
Be proud of where you are and you will attract the results you desire